yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
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GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?
ME: Leave that to me.
[later, at dinner]
HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.
ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉
therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’