Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
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Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
it’s finally my moment to shine
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
Always leave the cult better than you found it.
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
(Inception)
Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
is frankincense just very honest incense?
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.