[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
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If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.
Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”
I still have no idea when to iron that thing.
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
fr
best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.
I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”
CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:
In my day, we didn’t have quiet quitting.
The 5:00 whistle would blare, you’d yell “Yabba dabba doo!” as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again
women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,
Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.