NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
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Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn’t taste the way it smells.
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering
Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead
Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.
Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
My parents just called.
M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.
ME: You should watch it from the beginning?
M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.
ME: Okay.
M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?
I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.