Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
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I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
O: Orange
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam
Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.