“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed
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Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity
Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
*Looking to buy a house*
ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.
REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…
ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”
Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.