ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.
DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.
ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.
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If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities
Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*