Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
You Might Also Like
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
selfie game
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun
me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.
👾👾👾
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.