Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
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You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
A game married people play.
If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?
Me: Yes.
6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk
Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*
son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet
me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD