I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
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Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me:
Daughter:
Me:
Daughter:
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.
My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*
Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!
My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare