My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
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I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.
Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*
[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol
PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.