Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
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Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.
Tony Hawk, age 6
Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?
Me: Buy stuff
Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
Oh…
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*Better?
“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.
“Excited to be here!” I tell him.
The host eyes me. “Are you?”
My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.
“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.
Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!
-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*
Him: oh yeah
[my place]
Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!
Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.