Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
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(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
[first day at the cia]
me: where’s the chandelier
boss: what chandelier
me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶
boss: that’s sia
me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
Branch manager is like “I need you both to be on the reference desk.”
“Oh. I have some work I was going to do in the back.”
“Just do it at the desk, it won’t be too busy.”
“Then why do you need me there?”
“Because it’s gonna be really busy.”
my first dose meeting my second
My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.
He: did you burn dinner again?
Me: it’s a Flambé.
He: it’s mac and cheese
Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!
Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it