*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
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*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
Me standing next to random car making phone call, Swiss policeman arrives,
“You cannot park there”
“It’s not my car”
“You have to move it”
“It’s not my car”
“Move it or get a fine”
“It’s not my car”
Policeman writes ticket,
“I did warn you”“It’s not my car”
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
[cleaning the garage]
ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway
12YO: ok which app do I use
ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app
12YO: is it on mom’s phone
ME: no app. push. the. broom.
12YO:
ME:
12YO: so should i download it
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
My kids think I’m going to miss them when they leave for college, but I’ll be busy drinking my coffee while it’s still hot.
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
Chemical wingman
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
idea for a movie:
a bear who is a parent
captures a psychotherapist
to cook as dinner for the cubs
and the movie is called
(and i’m very very sorry)
“kids, i honeyed the shrink”
I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.
Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!
Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.
Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?
Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.