Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
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*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what
*pronounces UPS like yoops
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.
boss: we have to let you go
me: why
boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing
me: em…
boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good
me: see!
boss: ok you can stay
me: *under my breath* a
[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O