They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
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Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
I love high fashion advertising. It’s like, “Why yes, I am wearing a $2000 skirt at the gas station while a llama patiently waits in my car.”
We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.
I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under
[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY