[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot
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WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”
Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
I finally mustard up the confidence to pepper you with condiments. I’ve been relishing the thought of a romantic ketchup. I mayo be out of line, but I don’t want to live with vinaigrettes. Tartar for now, honey! XO
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.
Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework