[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
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[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
Cutest fight ever.. 😊
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
need a new bf mines broken 😐
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.