*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
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I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
Me: Coupon?
*wife faints*
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
Well well well…
The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.