I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT
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Just why bro?!
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
Boss: You’re late.
Me: Only in this time zone.
Apparently it doesn’t matter that in China I’d be 12 hours early.
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
BRIDE:
GROOM:
PRIEST:
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
I have standards. They might be low, but still…..
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.