prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
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12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do
Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.
My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
A dead goose is called a ghoost
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
Reached the age where my body is like, “oh yeah, forgot to tell you, we can’t eat cucumbers after 7 P.M. anymore.”
My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.