Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
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The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?
Audience: *clapping*
Host: Sir, are you leaving?
Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer
Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other
Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
#Caturday
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.