Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
You Might Also Like
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.
GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.
ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*
GENIE: DAMMIT
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
even bears disappoint their mothers
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.