can’t wait til they legalize outside
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[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
Okay
Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.
I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.
Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party
Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing