Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
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Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.
Me: What does that even mea—
My mother: You have a low forehead.
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.