Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
You Might Also Like
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
Admin smashed it 😂
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
love pickles so much i put myself in one
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok