There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.
You Might Also Like
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
even bears disappoint their mothers
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down
-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.