Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?
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I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.
friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass
[later at thanksgiving dinner]
aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?
me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*
ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?
Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –
Yeff
As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beetConclusion: Snickers is a salad
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
[Text]
18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?
When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.