Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
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I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
The secret to work life balance is generational wealth
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.
I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.
[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
Waffles make excellent pill organizers
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”