Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
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Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.
My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.
I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.
I was born to run.
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy
Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast