Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”
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Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!Me: Oh
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?
Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.