*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?
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I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
[garden]
tomato plant: how’s your summer?
pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year
tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-
ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones