“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand
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Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
New comic up. “Ransom”
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)
Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?
Me: Of course. One sec
(Resets phone to factory settings)
Me: Here you go
Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.
My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.
There’s someone in our team who behaves horribly to me and whenever I have to type his name, I’ve taken to using a slightly smaller font size than for everyone else’s
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.