[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
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Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you
I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story
“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
Woke up against my better judgement again
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …
No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.