PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.
You Might Also Like
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
I mean…but I did
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.
Thanos: I killed half the universe.
Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.
Everyone:
Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.