[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
You Might Also Like
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
If you love someone, let them sleep.
My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry
Harry: i’m a what
Hagrid: a blizzard
Harry: a what
Hagrid: a scissors
Harry: what
Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward
Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
*power walks to the refrigerator*
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”