Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
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I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…
to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes
me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then
god: LOL wow, you are funny
007: the name’s bond…james bond
me: nice to meet you bond james bond
007: just james bond
me: bond just james bond
007: no my full name is just james bond
me: nice to meet you just james bond
007: you know i can legally kill you
me: no, never met him
007: *draws weapon*