When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
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3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
*fuzz moves*
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.
[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy
thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
[Ouija board]
Me: Demon?
I-W-I-L-L-E-A-T-Y-O-U-R-E-S-O-U-LMe: *your
Y-O-U-K-N-O-W W-H-A-T-I-D-O-N-T-W-A-N-T-Y-O-U-R-S-O-U-L-A-N-Y-M-O-R-E
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???