My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
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*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
This tweet lives in my head rent free.
*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.