RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
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Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?
Me: Absolutely.
*gel pack explodes*
Me: Why would you listen to me? I can鈥檛 put my pants on without falling over.
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
I can’t be the only one 馃槀
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It鈥檚 me, I鈥檓 the remote start.
[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.
7-year-old: Yeah.
Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?
7: I come here to relax, not work.
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I鈥檝e accumulated.