Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
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[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”
Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”
Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.