My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
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I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
Him: wanna go to your favorite place?
Me: Poundtown?!
H: I was thinking Target but—
M: no, no, your instincts were correct
Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.