Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
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TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
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Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
[finishing dinner]
her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉
me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?
her: no, but-
me: let’s stay
You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to runThis concludes your parenting course.