After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
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This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.