*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
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wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*
Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
9: Mommy can I have a treat?
Me: It’s close to bedtime so no
9: A tiny piece?
Me: No
9: A molecule? An atom?!
Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino
9: Is that a donut?
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to
5: I miss Mama’s food.
Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.
5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.
Me: oh.
5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.
*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.