What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
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The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,
[7 minutes in heaven]
Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha
Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?