I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
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“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
*dives in*
“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”
Her, 5: can I have another pickle?
Me: no more pickles
Her: can I stare at the pickles?
Me: sure
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?
ME: have you restarted your computer?
MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.
Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️