Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
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I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends
Neo:
Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland
Neo:
Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle
Neo: What-
Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle
math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class
boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am
You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
Most Well-known Speeches:
1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln
2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King
3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.