No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
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Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Me:
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
[me flirting]
Cute guy: hey how’s it goin
Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES
Cute guy:
Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM
Cute guy: *backing away*
Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
getting old is fun
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
Blew out my flip flop…
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.
Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird
English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats