As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.
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Do one person every day that scares you.
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*
8: where are my M&Ms?
Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?
8: the ones from grandma
Me: what grandma?
8: my grandma
Me: is she though?
8: I don’t understand
Me: well go to your room and think about it
8:
Me:
8: *walks off*
Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*